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Ever been to a Tony Roma’s restaurant? I was at a location in Orlando, FL in 2006 the night before a hurricane was about to come on shore and the place was stuffed to the gills with chavvy Brits with their bad teeth, knock off Burberry track suits, spiked hair, and awful awful accents. This was right around the time when the dollar was taking a massive bath in shitsville so these Manchesterites and the like were swarming the entire Disney locale like locusts. For once I prayed for a nice awkward round family from Ohio with their fanny packs and hair spray to sit next to us instead of Stewart, and his hurtful-on-the-eyes brood.

The lady and I were there on business and we figured it would be fun to go out and get drinks the size of our skulls and we were given a PT Cruiser at the rental car agency, so when in Orlando……it was a natural fit. We had ordered Hurricanes, again, the zeitgeist (RUNNING THEME) leaving us no choice. The drinks were a kick but the real shocker was the food. I knew I was getting into some serious business when I ordered the bbq sampler: ribs, pulled pork, beans, potatoes, corn bread, some greens; however, when the plate was placed in front of me by the server who undoubtedly must have had some Professional Strongman background given the unbelievable length, width and mountainous portion of feed on top of the flat ceramic trough, I was completely awestruck.

I ate as much as I could and it looked as though I had barely touched the monstrous portion. Remember that scene in The Great Outdoors when John Candy eats the Ol’96er? That was about 1/2 of what I had on my plate at Tony Roma’s. To this day I have a suspicious and cringing reaction when I think of the restaurant. Even with being tremendously intoxicated before being stuffed like a foie gras goose, I left in a blurred state of overconsumption and have not forgiven the establishment since then. Do I find it strange that Dallas Cowboy’s QB Tony Romo also inspires the same reaction of cringe and suspicion these days? Hardly friends, his name is just close enough, he hails from Texas and is now in a HOTLY headlined relationship with Jessica Simpson, the man-eater du jour. I’m no genius, but I’m also observant enough to put 2 + 2 together.

So when I came across and these crafty J Simp masks that you can download, print and paste onto a popsicle stick, I immediately commended the genius and humor. The masks are good, looks like early vintage Jessica, before the weight gain, and then the slim down, then the “Daddy is ruling over me with something inside of me” weirdness that makes this whole “seek out men from Texas” stuff just that much more odd.

Now if I can come up with a mask like this, but instead of Jessica, it can be a chavvy Brit and instead of smiling he’ll have three loose St. Louis style ribs dangling out of his mouth and some fake diamond earrings blinging outrageously in the background I can get my website launched.

July 2018
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