I know I know, you wander around, the days ticking away like second hands on the timebomb that is buying a gift for the baddest, burliest members of your inner circle. Fear not doggy, what would Burlytown be without offering an outstretched hand that has crib notes written on the inside, we lift you up and give you the power to come through in the clutch with a sweet gift and act all whatevs about it, like you bleed the same burly blood as the Hulk (not Hogan), Andrew McLean, severe white-water huckers, dudes with HUGE non-ironic mustaches, and tightrope walkers (non-circus.)

The Burlytown Gazette does not endorse frivolous consumerism but we do reward smart ideas that aid in our lives and anything that is made to inspire and help us all live in a more truthful and experiential existence. On that note, let the list begin…

Part of the great mystery of buying for the Burlytown community member is the bombastic nature of some the gifts, case in point, the magnificent Mountain Hardware Lamina sleeping bag rated to -15 degrees Fahrenheit. Now I don’t know when y’all were last hanging out when it was that cold outside but that is just about the temperature when even the slightest movement in the air feels as though your face is being lifted off and tiny microscopic frozen needles are being shot into the tender, warm under layers.

Buying this piece of protection means you are saying to the world that you plan on spending a quality weekend with some friends in this blistering cold, enjoying yourself in these conditions. Don’t forget to bring the pee bottle to bed with you, once you’re wrapped up like a big burrito and are settling down for the night, the call of nature only means yellow gold to keep you toasty warm into the dawn of a new burly day, cheers, you animal, we love ya baby.

Part of the holiday season is about giving back and being thankful for all the goodness we have in our lives. I saw this mixed up example of a young man this past summer at an amusement park. I know it’s not his fault per se but my goodness this is a major blight on humanity as far as I am concerned: white socks with dark shoes!?

Not on my watch pal, want to truly be a burly man or lady this holiday season? Buy this troubled individual some pants. Paypal accepted at whatismylifecomingto@gmail.com. Sick!

moving on to happier things…

I’m sure you have friends, they are the glue that keeps us together and hopefully your friends are also slightly mentally disconnected and don’t have the normal switch that goes off when danger is eminent and say, out loud, “this is bad idea…” No, in fact they are like some super fun newly diagnosed autistic kids that see awesome stuff that looks terribly dangerous and they’re all “awesome, let’s do this!” Beer sometimes helps, but it’s best if they express these opinions when they are sober so when in the future someone breaks their face and goes to the hospital they get pain killers and you can all share them. But the point of all this is that there’s worlds of inspiration out there for ways to bring your friends together, but the below is probably my favorite so far, just, you know, getting crazy and creative and dangerous all at once.

FAIR WARNING: the music is a little harsh, not my style, but the video makes up for it, get some.

I had a friend who spent 2 years down in Bolivia kind of working for the US government, but more just living the best he could in one of the most wild, unrefined countries on the planet. After hearing many stories about both him and his friends and associates landing in the local hospital for days at a time with olympic level dysentery, I felt torn. One half of my psyche wanted to embrace the idea of being on death’s door because you drank out of a river, not caring what would happen because, let’s be honest, you live in Bolivia and you have bigger things to worry about. But then I thought about being a broken person, unable to move for days while you had an IV in your arm and I came to realize that’s not burly. Up until this year, if you were traveling to a 3rd world country your options for purifying the water were bulky, slow and awkward, then I found the Hydro Photon SteriPEN Adventurer this pocket sized instrument is all you need to be a free spirit the world over and drink water from a tap, river, spigot, well or gutter.

The device works by purifying water with ultraviolet light so you can continue exploring, or in my friend’s case continue doing weird stuff like spending an afternoon with your buddy drinking water until one of you pees themselves.

Jumping out of planes is scary for some peeps, but maybe they’re still all willing to get crazy and fly like an eagle or a flying squirrel? Well, two words my friend: jet pack. Yeah, Jetsons tomofoolery? Not so much holmes, this one guy is all over the map flexing his jet pack skills. There was one good video of him at a monster truck rally, but I was far more intrigued by his appearance at anonymous corporate park “x.”

If this guy did bat mitzvahs he’d be a very rich jet packer.